2017. Learn and learn.

Happy new year, everyone!!

Happy new year, myself! LOL

I am back with my new-year-post that I have been doing since 2014. 

I actually planned to do it on new year eve, but I was too tired from sitting the whole day in the bus for my trip to Kanazawa, the capital of Ishikawa prefecture. I would like to share about my trip in another different post.

But for now, I want to share what I feel about last year. Last year was quite a milestone year for me. I graduated with my master degree and started my Ph.D. course.

I visited some new places in Japan with my friends and finished reading more books compared to 2016 LOL. I finally found out that I can finish reading book easier when I have the ebook version on my phone. 

But the most important part is, I learned more and more about myself. Although the way to learn it is kinda difficult as well. Let me share this with you so if some of you ever experienced the same thing, you know that you are not alone :) 

I found that I used to have low self-esteem

In this 20-something age, born as a female, it is super normal to have this question goes around you. 

"When will you get married?"

Or sometimes it is not even in a question form, but more like a suggestion for example "It's better if you get married young," or even, "It's better to get married before you finished your Ph.D."

First, I would like to show my gratitude for all of this concern for me. I took it as a form of kindness and attention. But actually, if I may answer it I really would like to answer with, "How am I supposed to know that?"

Only God knows that. 

We can not really know if getting married at younger or older age is better or not. What is the standard? What is the comparison? We can never compare this because people are through different experiences and phases in their own life.

Then I realized that at a certain point, these kinds of expectation decrease my self-esteem in a certain point. There was a point where I felt that I am not beautiful or cute enough, that's why no one will approach me. There were moments that I often questioned myself, "What is wrong with me??"

Sounds familiar? Probably some of you might feel this as well. And I learned that building self-esteem needs time. It's not easy. I said it one more time. IT NEEDS TIME. But we need to work on it. Of course, not for the sake of avoiding those questions or expectation, but for our own sakes. 

So, whoever read my post this time, let's be wiser in asking questions to people. As far as we are concerned about other people lives, let's take the chance to be more thoughtful. People may already have plans on how they will live their life. Instead of questioning, let's just start delivering prayer so more good things will happen to our lives. 

I found that I used to be arrogant

What I meant with arrogant is I used to make plans for my own life and decide things by myself. I did not include God in my choices. Maybe I was too tired waiting for certain things come into my life, resulting in me recklessly decided things by myself.

Let me share a moment of myself which I can name it as being arrogant. It actually is still related to that-of-course-so-highly-wanted-thing-called-romance.

There was a time, if I could call it, I was desperate for romance to come into my life. I reviewed my routines and my condition at that time. First, I was far away from my lovely country, limiting myself from meeting new people with at least some background such as religion and language (two things which in my opinion will make the relationship easier in the beginning phase. Please note this, in beginning phase). Second, my routines are circling around home-lab-around home-around lab. Again, limiting myself to find people from other circles. Three, there is this guy that picked my attention in my circle. He has good manner, and I don't find something is wrong with him. I was wondering many times about what I should do. And finally, I said this.

"OK, God. I don't know if I have another good chance. And I don't have other circles to hang around. I am not interested in meeting random people just to have a date. And I am not interested in contacting people who I know have no interest in me. So, let me, just this last time, trying with this guy that I am now interested in."

And with that, I took my own decision without asking God if it's even good or not for me. I got a yes, that's good enough. But only until that part. The rest, it is the same as always. I was struggling, I was questioning, I was crying, I was disappointed.

At that moment, I could really imagine God said to me, "There, there, Pijar. I was trying to tell you, but you didn't even ask me. That's what happens when you take My authority over yourself."

I found that probably this time I should wait

Some things are just out of your control. Probably most things. You just cannot control it. No matter how hard you try, how persistent you are, sometimes some things are not yours. What's not yours never be yours. But of course, what's yours will surely come to you. Our tasks are to patiently wait and believe that it will come at the most right time. While waiting, we can do things that we love, spend time with people we love and love us back, following our own legend, and the most important part...realizing that anything that happened in our lives is up to Him.

Again, Happy new year :)

Minoo, Osaka

In the mid of cold winter

My favorite picture taken in 2017, in Awaji Yumebutai