Learning to let go

Who would ever think that I would be back in this place? Last year, I felt like I had it all. I got married, finished my PhD, got a new job in a very big company with a good salary, moved to a new city with my husband. 'This is what I have been waiting for, I am so excited for it,' was what I thought at that time.

Then, slowly everything didn't seem that way. I was far from feeling happy. I got lost. I didn't know what I was doing in my life. Then, one by one, God took back the things that I thought will make my life more complete. Lucky me, God did it in an extremely kind way. My husband got a job in another city and I couldn't meet him for several months because of the COVID19 emergency in Japan. The PhD that I have been working hard for didn't help. Being busy with work and a nice salary didn't either. First time in my life I felt as if I am living like a robot.

What's worse, I tried to survive almost every single day of my life. Waking up is hard, what more sleeping. Even eating became a burden. No peace, I kept questioning a lot of things. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had no one to depend on. Feeling worse day by day, I asked God every time I tried to sleep, 'Why? What do you want me to learn?'. I knew I couldn't be like this forever. I knew I need to let go of some things.

I realized I can't have it all. I need to choose, and I chose my true happiness. I decided to leave my job and went back to Osaka to be with my husband. Some of my friends questioned my decision, 'Are you sure? Won't you regret leaving your job and depend on your husband?' By that time, I was still unsure. But I knew if I didn't choose I will be stuck with this feeling for a longer time. And nothing good comes out of that version of me.

As I tried to let go of the things holding me back one by one, I felt relief. Slowly after that, waking up was a blessing, although it was still hard to move my body even to have a shower. I was really thankful I was still awake. Walking out the door to go to work, I was grateful I could walk past the door. Everything was a struggling. But with each effort I took, I knew the strength was not mine. God gave me strength.

And now here I am. Without a permanent job. Without my 5 years engineer visa. Without a big salary. But every time I washed dishes and prepare food in the kitchen, my heart feels so calm. Every time I have discussions with students and professors in the lab, I feel alive. And when I remembered back the question, 'Will you regret your decision?', now I can answer, 'No, I don't regret it. At all'

At times, we need to let go. Because it's not ours, to begin with.