My breastfeeding journey

I just wanna share a bit of the story of my breastfeeding journey that didn't end so well. It may be a bit of a sensitive topic, so if you are not interested, you're welcome to skip this post.

I started my breastfeeding journey with combo feed. Harun was born a bit small at 37 weeks, and just like most babies, not good at sucking. My breast milk didn't come out till the third day. And Harun's glucose was low on the first day, so the doctor said to supplement with formula milk while we try to make my breast milk come out. I kept trying to make Harun latch with the midwives' help, and finally Harun was able to latch with me using a nipple shield on the third day. In a month, Harun was able to latch directly and I was so happy. Finally I can feel the luxury of direct breastfeeding.

On the second month, Harun is getting better at sucking. But, he never looks satisfied with only breastfeeding. Even though I breastfeed every 2-3 hours, Harun will always need more, and we would need to give him formula. I could have try pumping to build stocks, but I just don't have the energy anymore. This feeding style continues until the second month ended.

In the third month, I was planning to build breast milk stock before getting back to work. I tried to pump every time I had the chance. I also tried drinking breast milk booster that my mom bought in Indonesia and had my friend kindly brought it to me to Japan. But my pumped breast milk would only reach 20-30 ml each session from both breasts. I was so discouraged to see the result everytime. I always wonder how I could get enough breastmilk for my baby to drink in the daycare once I get back to work. But I can't help and continued to feel down and discouraged, ended up with me stop pumping for a few weeks. I then decided to just have my baby drink formula in daycare and breastmilk at home, because that's the most possible thing to do at that time.

Then suddenly, Harun stopped drinking breast milk. He just rejected it. The first time it happened, I felt so rejected, down and frustrated. Harun just cried everytime I shove my breast to him. He just wants his bottle. Then my husband went back to work, and I ended up alone with Harun. I have no time for pumping and I just felt so tired to do it, although I really wanted to. I then thought maybe I could resume pumping again once Harun enter daycare because then I could pump at workplace. While preparing my mental to start pumping again, I spent the last month of childcare leave enjoying my full 24 hours with Harun without thinking much about breastfeeding or pumping.

Once I was back to work, I tried powerpump again. A few times in one day. The amount increased from just milk vapor to droplets although it still couldn't cover the bottle bottom part. Two weeks into full pumping, my left breast started to bleed. I was shocked and afraid. I continued to pump, but then I was afraid to continue and decided to search for midwife or lactation consultant to have my breast condition checked.

Today, I went to a midwife clinic with so much hope that the midwife would help me increasing my breastmilk supply as I read good reviews about her. But after I told her my condition and have my breasts checked, she told me that it would be hard to increase supply at this point... especially that I stopped breastfeeding for 2 months already. If my baby still breastfeeding and I want to increase supply, there's still a chance. But only with pumping, it would be really hard. And now that my breast started to bleed, she didn't suggest me to continue. 'Yameta hou ga ii yo.' It's better to stop, she said. 

That time, I just felt my chest so heavy and my eyes started to tingle. My lips trembling, and then I just cried. That's my first time crying in front of someone I just met. I think all my frustrations these past months just came out at once. I felt sooo tired trying, and knowing from a professional that it's hard to give the best for my baby disappoint me so much. I just cried there and the midwife kindly tried to calm me down. She said she could understand what I'm feeling, but it would be irresponsible if she said 'ganbatte kudasai'. Because she knows it's gonna be hard at this point. If I tried finding help when baby stopped latching, then maybe we could do something. But now maybe it's too late already.

I still cried and cried and saying sorry many times. I felt bad to cry in front of her, because I thought that I must made her feeling uncomfortable. But I just couldn't stop crying. I really really wanted to fed Harun with breastmilk again. And my feeling just poured out of my eyes unstoppable.

She then said, 'You did your best to breastfed your baby for 3 months. Yoku ganbatta yo, erakatta. You did very well. From now on, you just choose a different path to feed your baby and it's okay. Your baby still can grow healthy. Please enjoy taking care of your child. You can read him books, prepare good solid food for him. It's okay. Yourself and your body are also precious. So let's not try harder than this. You also go to work and take care of your child, you did your best already.'

Hearing all that kind words make me even cried harder. The midwife waited for me to calm down while soothing me by rubbing my shoulders. It took me awhile to calm down. The midwife even said sorry for not being able to help and I said that her kind words are already enough for me.

After I was able to stop my crying she then helped me 'cleaning' the remaining breastmilk. She told me not to do further pumping or breast massaging as it may worsen the breast condition. She also told me if the bleeding continues even without pumping or massaging, I need to go to see a doctor. We then had some small talks about my baby condition, my pregnancy and my work. She is a compassionate and caring midwife, making me felt so comfortable spending time in the clinic.

She finished the massaging, and after proceeding with payment, I excused myself. She still said sorry for not being able to help as expected, but I thanked her so much for her help.

On the train going home, I still felt very down. I bit my lips so I won't cry. But I bet my eyes couldn't lie. I took many deep breath to calm myself down till reaching home. I never felt this disappointed and dejected for so long. But I realized time heals, and I need to make peace with myself for this. As the midwife said, I could focus on other part of child caring and still enjoying it. It will need time, but that would be fine.

For anyone reading to this point, thank you. It's me wanting to share my experience and probably my frustrations, because I know writing would help me feeling better.

For any mother who read this and probably face a similar problem, if you think you need help in your breastfeeding journey, try finding one as soon as possible, because I learned the hard way that timing is essential too. But if you feel tired and need some break and support, that's fine too. Don't suffer alone. Child caring is hard, we need all the support we can get.

Enjoy any feeding method that works the best with your family. If you want a full breastfeeding, that's very good and don't forget to have the correct support and take care of yourself! If you're only able to breastfeed for a few months like me, that's fine too. All the drops count! If your baby have full formula feeding for any reasons, don't feel bad. Your baby would still grow healthy!

What's most important is that you are happy so then your baby can grow happily too!

Sending much love!